05 Sep

Identity Confidential

Motherhood & Mental Health

My journey of motherhood started in dec 2019 when I conceived for the first time. But, soon after I suffered a miscarriage. That was disheartening I again conceived in March and after that everything was rosy and beautiful. But on 26th September when I was preparing for my baby shower..I went for a routine checkup and underwent ultrasound. On that day I was informed that my baby was suffering from IUGR. His growth and weight were lagging behind and I was put on bed rest. We both couldn’t believe it. That very evening I had constant and severe headaches when my Gynae suggested to monitor blood pressure. It was constantly high. I was kept under observation that night.

After multiple blood tests and weekly ultrasounds..my pregnancy couldn’t go beyond 31 weeks..on doppler ultrasound on 2nd November, I was told that I need to deliver the baby as soon as possible because there were doppler changes.

On 3rd November, I delivered my baby and he was taken to NICU. He was weighing 1160 gms. The most difficult and traumatic journey of my life started. I was shifted to my room in hospital where I could see other moms enjoying with their babies and getting discharged. It was getting on to my mind..why did this happen with me?

When I went home without my baby..I was numb
and there were no emotions. I used to go every day to NICU to see my baby and spent time with him. But in some days doctors told us that he was suffering from sepsis, feed intolerance and not gaining weight.

It was difficult for me to see my baby lying in the NICU and suffering so much. I couldn’t sleep and eat properly. Then one fine day he was handed over to us. We went home and then I fell into the trap of post partum depression. I couldn’t fall in love with my baby.

I started hating him and there were no motherly feelings. Suddenly my breast milk also dried up and everything was getting complicated. My husband couldn’t understand, what I was going through. He thought I was running away from my responsibilies.

My child was taken away from me. My husband’s sister was feeding him because breast milk was the only thing he needed. My in-laws also started hating me. Somehow I managed to meet a psychiatrist and after that my brother and sister in law introduced me to Dr Neha .

She counselled me, helped me increase my breast milk output and understood that it was not my fault but my hormones were doing this. She was always there on video calls, messages constantly reminding me to go to walks, express milk and always motivating me. With the help of Dr. Neha and medications I regained my lost confidence and fell in love with my baby.